last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm passing your future prison.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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