I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
