You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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