I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
