We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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