one two three fourrrrnication!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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