he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
