this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
