You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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