when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
