So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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