matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
