If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
