i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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