Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
