she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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