the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
