i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My ass is underappreciated
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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