I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
