ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
God, I missed his penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
