Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
