yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
