im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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