I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
