how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
