i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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