I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
