I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
the raccoons are back...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
