you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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