i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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