I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
