I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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