I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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