the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
