There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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