If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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