I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
