Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
