When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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