i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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