I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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