Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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