Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
