The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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