Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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