It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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