I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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