Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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