If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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