WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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