and you said cock pushups were impossible
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
