you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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