Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
