Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Come on in and take your pants off
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