He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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