So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
