i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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