life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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