i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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