i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
