Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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